although heavily unwell.
Most days im exhausted. Most days i rather just cry. Cry because i don’t know why, im even crying in the first place. Humans, people, society are something else. I’ve been out of work for 2 months and 4 days now . I reconnected with someone that i met long ago, which because i was in such a bad place, i didn’t have the strength to keep in contact (doesn’t live near me ). He’s so pure, i almost find it hard to be in touch with reality whenever i think of him, or even hear his voice. We’re the same, and different. I always wanted to take a leap of faith. Always, i’ve spoken about it for years, and what are the odds, its happening ! i maniftested it, and it’s happening . I came to the conclusion, that i have to have my own happiness, before being able to connect . Mom, brother, friends, boyfriends, i need my own happiness. We all do. I was always someones happiness. Although a heavily private person, i knew how to connect and talk to people in a way they felt so good, i was drained. i sucked in everyone else’s everything . Drama, financial burders, evrything . As if i don’t have issues of my own, but i did’t have a ear. Once i got fed up with everyone and everything , i decided ill “run away” . Unplug deeply. No phone, leave evrything behind except my laptop, phone, money , camera, oh and bella :). I got sad again. Maybe i used the wrong word? Maybe not running away, but running to my happy place? I always knew where i wanted to be. Making a living helping people ( it’s my job now ), but having a disconenct when it’s time. Working for a major company, 6 days a week, 1 vacation a year, wasnt working out. Im back in this place however, where i want it to be working , and having structure . I think thats what i crave again. Some type of uniform in life. I know, It’s not for everyone . I however, haent had it in 2 months and 4 days , and want something lol. I am blessed…Blessed to know him, to have a roof over my head, money, a savings…and eventually, love.
So I was going to write my fathers birthday letter on here. well my emotions surrounding his birthday. I decided not to. Truthfully, it was for privacy reasons because not only did my family not ask to be announced on here, either did he. However, let’s discuss other topics. My first one being a leap of faith. I know what your’e thinking. not everyone can take a leap of faith. Not everyone and anyone can just roam the country sides, making sure their bills are paid, having stability, ect. I know I had so many questions when it came down to moving. I’m young (28) , not married, no kids. I have one stable job, and have other talents that will allow me make money at any given time. i have a brother and sister in california, however my dream destination is out of the country, or Washington state . i’ve wrote it down and im making it happen. im not sure who i’ll meet along the way, hopefully, it’ll be all worth it. ✨
Manifestation is something i’ve always been intrested in. That and work hard play hard. Some people believe in that whole ” go with the wind” thing. I must say, i want a little more stability than that. I must admit. That’s why we’re here right? To talk and be honest. I never imagined me just tossing all my belongings in the garbage , having 100.00 to my name and just buying a ticket to nowhere land and being comfortable. I had that idea when i was like 19. Now, i kind of what things more uniform . I’ll be taking with me a selective amount of items,buying a ticket, and heading out. ✈️
I feel like I’ve been going through one of the most difficult times of my life. not because of covid, but because of me. I’ve been stewing on a few things I’ve been concentrating on, and it’s been very overwhelming . I feel like im at that age where I am just ready to to be ready. however because I am not there yet, wherever there is, I am heavy, depressed. between deciding where to move, how to handle things from across country, to finish school or not finish , leaving my mom, deciding to go back to my 9-5 which I can’t work from home. I have to make decisions , but I get frantic because I need the decisions to work. I need them to be right .
I know you have to be uncomfortable to be comfortable , but do i. do I want to be uncomfortable to be comfortable in the future, or do what’s best now for now? its all been a a big viscous cycle. Then trying to understand everyone’s infamous ” what’s wrong”question. if I knew, id probably tell, or fix it. I keep having this very large urge to leave. go. I was asking on my other blog a lot of people, “where do you live, and do you recommend it”? trying to pick some states and countries.
ill figure it out…